Smush "Valet" Parker

The Miami Heat's big "off-season free agent signing" Smush Parker recently found himself in a familiar predicament. He was pedestrian, but for a refreshing change it was off the basketball court.

FROM USA TODAY: Police said Parker got into an argument Tuesday morning over whether he had paid a $12 valet parking fee at a condominium.

Parker has not been charged. He also missed Tuesday's game against Charlotte.

"We are currently investigating the reported incident," coach Pat Riley said in a statement. "Until we have concluded it, Smush will not be with the team. He has not been suspended and is currently on our inactive list. This is a legal matter, and we will have no further comment until the legal process runs its course."

We would argue too if our "Smushcalade," as Parker affectionately calls his Cadillac, was held hostage for $12. What self-respecting professional athlete has to pay $12 for valet, then again how many people know who the hell William Henry Parker is.

$168M Will Buy You Tons of Infidelity

Getting on with you life is worth a lot of money ... especially when you're Michael Jordan and you can still find time to nail spring-breakers in Mexico in between $50,000 baccarat hands.

After splitting in December 2006, and then officially beginning divorce proceedings in January 2007, Jordan and his very-soon-to-be ex-wife Juanita, who moonlights as a talented Michael Jackson look alike - white, child molestin' Mike, not rhinestone glove "Off The Wall" Mike - (see picture at left) have come to a settlement agreement worth $168M, not including the worth of their seven-acre Chicago estate which "Her Ex-Airness" will also be awarded.

FROM THE SUNDAY TIMES: As a basketball superstar, Michael Jordan was always in a league of his own. Now he is setting a record with his divorce as he prepares to pay his former wife an unprecedented settlement of more than $168m (£80m).

The final severance package for Juanita Jordan, which includes the couple’s seven-acre estate in Chicago and custody of their three children, is expected to be agreed before the first anniversary of their last row – which was said to be about money.

The settlement eclipses the most expensive celebrity divorce on public record, in which Neil Diamond paid his ex-wife Marcia Murphey ...

Neil Diamond's got Michael Jordan money? Really? I guess sequin jumpsuits and cheesy music is worth than we thought.

"Don't Put Me On Waivers"

After incorrectly predicting a smack down of Kevin Garnett and the new look Celtics in Boston's home opener and an ugly 0-3 start to the 2008 season, the one and only Agent Zero aka Hibachi aka Gilbert Arenas is pleading, not with Wizards officials, but with his fantasy owners for forgiveness.

FROM AGENT ZERO: THE BLOG FILE: Have you seen my stats? For all my fantasy owner, do not give up on me yet. I know my three-point percentage is horrific right now – 1-for-17 – but I think the rims are broken around the league. David Stern, you need to look into fixing these arenas. But really, 1-for-17, I’m shooting worse than … I don’t know who to say without pissing somebody off. I’m just shooting really bad right now, but I’ll get the mojo back in a minute.

Exactly Why Kobe Wants Out

Sheed: Fake Ass NBA

So Rasheed Wallace once again proves he's insane and we love it.

Wallace claims that last year's NBA Eastern Conference Finals was rigged and that's the reason why the Pistons didn't make the Finals. It had nothing to do with the fact that Detroit shot just over 30 percent from the field or that Lebron James played like a man among boys ... it's because of David Stern's initiatives to make the NBA a global game.

FROM THE DETROIT NEWS: "I still don't think they (Cavaliers) beat us, we beat ourselves," Wallace said. "And I think we also fell victim to that personal NBA thing where they are trying to make it a world game and get (television) ratings. They wanted to put their darling in there (the NBA Finals) and they did, and look what ended up happening.

"This game ain't basketball anymore, it's entertainment," Wallace said. "It's starting to get like the WWF. There ain't no real wrestling anymore either. It's all fake."

Somewhere Tim Donaghy is laughing ...

NBA is Back

I'm really, really trying hard to get into the NBA this season. The potential for a great season is there and there's plenty of talent to go around. But, three things are holding me back.

No. 1, and most importantly, the Sixers are going nowhere. The Raptors, Nets and Celtics are all too good for this team to flourish in the Atlantic Division, and even the Knicks, yes the lowly, Isiah Thomas run Knicks, have more potential than the Sixers. I don't care what anyone says, not having the real A.I. in the line-up will hurt my interest in the Sixers for longer than I care to think about. (I'm also not thrilled about passing on Al Thornton for Thad Young in the lottery, but that has a lot of time to play out before I rush to judgment.)

No. 2 is Greg Oden's injury. I know Kevin Durant is special. Mike Conley and Acie Law are both future all-stars and the likes of Corey Brewer, Al Horford, Thornton and Jeff Green will all be solid pros, but I wanted to see the big man play NOW. Not to mention I get the sinking feeling that this could be the summary of career, plenty of talent and potential, but can't stay healthy. Hopefully, I'm wrong.

No 3 is the Kobe drama. I'm sick of it. Seriously, I thought the whole Pats-Colts coverage was going to be overkill, but Kobe (and the two Joe's-Girardi and Torre) are still hogging headlines. Kobe's great. Kobe is a franchise player. Kobe's also a baby and extremely annoying. He's a joy to watch play, but brutal off the court. This dude should be thrown in a house with T.O. and A-Rod and be watched by those nannies from the old FOX show. Or maybe by Irv Gotti who can tell them to "Man up," every time they start to pout.

Regardless, I'm going to try hard to enjoy this season. Maybe A.I. can take the Nuggets deep in the playoffs and the Sixers' A.I. will further blossom. And maybe a competent opponent will come through the East to provide a decent NBA Finals. But most likely, the NBA will remain in the backseat during the NFL season and then lose any steam it gains from me once baseball starts again. Oh well, at least Stephen Jackson is the Warriors' captain and Ricky Davis is in South Beach. Something entertaining is guaranteed to happen. If only Pacman Jones would pull a Master P. and try to make a run at an NBA career. Now that would get my attention.

She Has More Rings Than You

As the Spurs pass out rings and raise the championship banner, a season of hard work a dedication will be honored. Remembered will be all the trials and tribulations, practices and training camps, blood and sweat, and the time Grace had that terrible case of feminine itch right before the big game against Dallas.

FROM THE PROFESSIONAL CHEERLEADERS BLOG: For two seasons, former Brazosport cheerleader Grace Salinas has been dancing up a storm as a San Antonio Silver Dancer. Salinas will be reaping the rewards of the San Antonio Spurs 2007 NBA championship by receiving a championship ring tonight.

The Spurs and their entire entourage will be honored with their championship hardware before taking on Portland.

“I wasn’t much of a fan until I started dancing for them,” Salinas said. “As a cheerleader, nobody thinks we are fans, but we are very much concerned with our team. I felt honored to be part of the Spurs.”

Glad to see the real hard work is appreciated ...

Tim Duncan Signs Extension

The king of boredeom, Timmy Duncan, signed a two-year extension with the San Antonio Spurs. The deal nets Duncan $40 million in addition to the three years he had remaining on his current contract.

Being a stand-up guy, Duncan only took $40 million so the Spurs could build around him for the future...gee thanks Tim...hate to see what it would have cost if he was a selfish greedy bastard... (I'd have asked for $50 mil).

Antoine Walker Is Not Fat

It's got to make fans of the Minnesota Timberwolves feel a little better about losing 10-time All Star Kevin Garnett when the franchise's newest and most recognizable name - Antoine "Please don't shoot!" Walker - reports to camp to announce he still doesn't eat as many hot dogs as bricks he lays.

Trade rekindling fond memories

By Jerry Zgoda, Star Tribune

Called out previously by Pat Riley in Miami, three-time NBA All-Star Antoine Walker reported to the Timberwolves after last week's trade and declared himself neither fat nor old. more>

Definitely not fat nor old ... just slow and not good