CREAM-ing The Ball, CLEAR-ing The Bases: The Barry Bonds Story

Everyone's favorite perjurer and baseball's resident walking syringe, Barry Lamar Bonds, is set to be the next subject of HBO Films.

FROM THE SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS: The story of Barry Bonds and the BALCO steroids scandal is going to be made into a film by HBO.

The premium cable channel has acquired the rights to "Game of Shadows: Barry Bonds, BALCO and the Steroids Scandal That Rocked Professional Sports," the book by Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams who covered the story for the San Francisco Chronicle.

The film will be written and directed by Ron Shelton, whose lengthy resume includes such notable sports films as "Bull Durham," "Tin Cup" and "White Men Can't Jump." It will be produced by Ross Greenburg, the head of HBO Sports who also produced "61*" about Roger Maris' chase of Babe Ruth's homerun record, and Michael Greenburg ("Stargate SG-1").

Our question is who is going play pre-2003, human Barry and who is going to play post-Balco, genetic freak Barry.

Anything he doesn't have?

Besides wanting the GDP of at least half the eastern world, Alex Rodriguez still has it all.

He's got more money than he knows what to do with, he's pretty good looking -- which is good considering he won't be able to handle the stress of all his post season failures too much longer and he's got a hot wife.

Personally, the hot wife is best of all. The contract is cool, and having large pecks may be an icebreaker, but there are only so many hot chicks.

He has proven that he can't perform in the playoffs, but apparently he can perform elsewhere.

But, that doesn't mean that his $300 million demands aren't ridiculous. Every team knows he's hands down the best player in the game right now and since there are only four teams willing to even talk with his agent Scott Boras speaks volumes about how much he wants.

If Steinbrenner doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, neither should anyone else.

I Knew Always A.B. Was A Closet Freak

Class trips were the best thing about school. A day away from the monotony of boring textbooks in cinder block buildings. But it's amazing how a cell phone and a little teenage engenuity can turn an awesome class trip to a Major League Baseball game into an extremely uncomfortable high school memory.

FROM CBSSPORTSLINE.COM: An Illinois woman is suing the St. Louis Cardinals for allowing a text message that falsely suggested her daughter has a sexually transmitted disease to be posted on the ballpark's message board during a game ...

According to the lawsuit, the teenager was with her classmates at Busch for a game against the Kansas City Royals on May 19, 2006, when a girl schoolmate called the ballpark's message board and, using the daughter's name, texted, "(A.B.) has an STD! Eww!"

Workers for or agents of the Cardinals "approved the message to go on the board," and it was posted during the game that drew a turnout of more than 48,000, the lawsuit claims.

A.B. was embarrased ... imagine her ex-boyfriend T.C. who immediately sprinted to the closest men's room.

What an Ass-terisk

Poor Barry. The former Giants slugger and "Home Run King" said he won't attend his Hall of Fame induction if Cooperstown displays No. 756 with an asterisk on it. The asterisk of course being the work of fashion designer Marc Ecko.

Here's what Bonds had to say about the situation: "I don't think you can put an asterisk in the game of baseball, and I don't think that the Hall of Fame can accept an asterisk. You cannot give people the freedom, the right to alter history. You can't do it. There's no such thing as an asterisk in baseball."

Barry, we agree. You can't give people the freedom or the right to alter history. That's why you should admit to using steroids, apologize for it and recognize Hammerin' Hank Aaron's mark of 755 as the home run record. If you want to taint baseball's history, then don't cry about Cooperstown allowing Ecko to do the same to a stupid baseball.

Curt-Rod!

Ok so Curt Schilling criticizes A-Rod for being selfish and attempting to upstage the game of baseball for announcing his free agency during the World Series. Understandable. But how bout practicing even a smidgen of what you preach.

Before the still-drunken and half-hungover members of Red Sox nation have had enough time to stumble their way off the Red Line on their way home from the Red Sox victory parade, Mr. Bloody Sock has already began listing the teams he's considering during his free agency period.

FROM 38PITCHES.COM: There are a million little things that go into this from stadiums to school districts to travel to spring training to etc. etc. etc. but the list represents the teams after Boston that have some of the off the field things that are big to us, plus the potential to go into October next year.

Cleveland, Detroit, Anaheim, New York Mets, Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A., S.D., Arizona, Chicago Cubs, St. Louis, Milwaukee

What, no Yankees?