CREAM-ing The Ball, CLEAR-ing The Bases: The Barry Bonds Story

Everyone's favorite perjurer and baseball's resident walking syringe, Barry Lamar Bonds, is set to be the next subject of HBO Films.

FROM THE SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS: The story of Barry Bonds and the BALCO steroids scandal is going to be made into a film by HBO.

The premium cable channel has acquired the rights to "Game of Shadows: Barry Bonds, BALCO and the Steroids Scandal That Rocked Professional Sports," the book by Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams who covered the story for the San Francisco Chronicle.

The film will be written and directed by Ron Shelton, whose lengthy resume includes such notable sports films as "Bull Durham," "Tin Cup" and "White Men Can't Jump." It will be produced by Ross Greenburg, the head of HBO Sports who also produced "61*" about Roger Maris' chase of Babe Ruth's homerun record, and Michael Greenburg ("Stargate SG-1").

Our question is who is going play pre-2003, human Barry and who is going to play post-Balco, genetic freak Barry.

Smush "Valet" Parker

The Miami Heat's big "off-season free agent signing" Smush Parker recently found himself in a familiar predicament. He was pedestrian, but for a refreshing change it was off the basketball court.

FROM USA TODAY: Police said Parker got into an argument Tuesday morning over whether he had paid a $12 valet parking fee at a condominium.

Parker has not been charged. He also missed Tuesday's game against Charlotte.

"We are currently investigating the reported incident," coach Pat Riley said in a statement. "Until we have concluded it, Smush will not be with the team. He has not been suspended and is currently on our inactive list. This is a legal matter, and we will have no further comment until the legal process runs its course."

We would argue too if our "Smushcalade," as Parker affectionately calls his Cadillac, was held hostage for $12. What self-respecting professional athlete has to pay $12 for valet, then again how many people know who the hell William Henry Parker is.

Out Cold - As Ice

Hockey's cheapest hit so far this season.

Brokeback Joe

Loved by adoring sports fans, women and blog creators alike (see Kissing Suzy Kolber) Joe Willie Namath is the latest mythic sports hero to be super-sized by Hollywood ... right after Jimmy Morris, Vince Papale and Dean Youngblood.

FROM VARIETY: Universal Pictures will turn the life of Joe Namath into a feature film, with Jake Gyllenhaal playing the Hall of Fame quarterback.

David Hollander will write the script once the writers strike is over. Mad Chance's Andrew Lazar will produce. Jimmy Walsh, who runs Namanco Prods., exec produces.

Walsh said he and Namath OK'd the movie after a long pursuit by Lazar, a strong take by Hollander and the belief that the athletic Gyllenhaal was the right actor to play him.

We just hope the movie will include Namath's best work ever on the gridiron.

What's Worse Than 0-11?

Getting beat by a kicker who looks like this.

The Miami Dolphins can't even beat Jeff Reed, who looks like a swollen, drunken version of a troll.

Gotta love the T-I-T-S Tits, Tits, Tits!

Not much needs to said about this. You've got a bunch of Jets fans that haven't had a winning season in forever and they happen to get their enjoyment cheering on something else.



What happens in Gate D, stays in Gate D

Patriot Games

Why are people bitching about the Patriots running up the score? Look, I'm a Broncos fan, always have been, always will be. But I have no problem with what the Patriots are doing right now. This is unlike anything any football fan has ever seen.

Think about it, college football teams will 70-7 and it's justified because they're looking for style points in the BCS. But that's amateur athletes beating the piss out of another group of 18-22 year olds, not getting paid, just for a bullshit system.

The Patriots, hate 'em or love 'em, are playing in the NFL. These are the best football players on the planet and if you can't stop them from kicking your teeth in, don't bitch, look in the mirror. Stop them if you don't want to get embarrassed. Are we really supposed to feel bad for guys making 4 million dollars a year losing a football game 56-10? Let's get a grip on reality. I'll call all my friends up and go lose 200-0 if you're going to pay me 4 mil.

The Patriots are good for football. The fact that a team is making a serious, and I mean serious, run at 16-0 is sensational. I'm rooting for it to happen. Why? Because the '72 Dolphins haven't let go yet and it would be historical (and don't we all want to see history happen in sports, except the Bonds home run chase, but as Nicky Stats would say, "They can't all be winners.")

The Broncos just beat the Titans to improve to 5-5 and put themselves in position to win a pitiful AFC West. And guess what? I don't care. They can't beat the Patriots or Colts (and probably not another game against the Steelers.) So everyone else is playing for second place. I still root for my team, but at the same time, I have no problem watching the Patriots beat the ever-living-shit out of opponents.

I can't wait for a 100-point game when the Pats play the Jets again. Poor Mangini!